Dear Sirs and a Madam or two:
There are many in the party who have expressed shock, outrage, disappointment, and feelings of betrayal over my decision to break with Party lines and endorse Senator Barack Obama. Well, let me tell you, I can sympathize!
You see, a number of years ago, I was given some information and a vial of fake anthrax and asked to plead a case for war in front of the U.N. I was somewhat dubious, but I was assured that the information and intelligence upon which I was making our plea was solid, and that this was a just and necessary war. It turned out, you all were full of crap. Years of war have proven that our primary reason for starting that trillion-dollar mess was based on unsubstantiated intelligence from questionable sources, and nary a weapon of mass destruction has been found. Oh I know, some of you are claiming all the WMDs hauled ass into Syria, but you’re full of it. We’ve got dozens of high-tech spy satellites with their eyes trained on that region; if any sort of mass shipment of weapons happened we would have seen it.
You used me. You used my name and my good reputation in the world to make your case, and it blew up in all our faces. To say I felt betrayed, disappointed, shocked and outraged is putting it mildly. I wanted to drop a bus on you frigging people, since you so symbolically dropped one on me, on my good reputation, and on my honor as a soldier and a man. I was a shining example of nonpartisanship, of leadership, of integrity. Nearly overnight you made me into another worthless Bush lackey. Not only that, but I had a pretty good shot at becoming the first black president. And as a Republican! It wasn’t something I actively aspired to, but I’ve dedicated my life to service to my country, and had the calls for me to run been compelling and resounding, I would have. I would have run with honor and sincerity and honesty and I probably would have won, because I’m pretty moderate and cool and the American people frigging loved me. Now people on the left lump me in as just another chump in the administration, and people on the right… well, some of you have just gone stark raving mad, and while you may like me I really don’t want to have much to do with you.
However, it would be unfair to say I endorsed Barack Obama out of spite. I hope you know me enough to know that I’m bigger than that. I mean, let’s just take a look at the guy — he’s got charm, and charisma, and brains, and if I were a woman I would be madly in love with him. Heck, even as a guy I have a bit of a man-crush on the dude. He’s a light in the fog these days in a country craving some leadership and calm in a storm of woes. And it’s not like the guy the Republican party nominated makes me quiver with excitement. Sure, I like him, the way you like that crazy uncle that mumbles conspiracy theories at Christmas dinner and tells off your grandpa for being a pinko commie who never understood him.
And of course there are the people who are already saying I’m backing him because he’s a brother. Come on. I’m the same color as George W. for chrissake, and Obama ain’t much darker. But if there’s one thing about his outward appearance that sways me, it’s his ears. I know they look pretty dorky but you know what? He uses them for more than holding up a frigging cowboy hat. He listens. He seeks knowledge and advice and wisdom, and wants you to tell him what he doesn’t know. That’s a drink of water in the desert, man, especially after so many years of the administration not giving a damn about what I might have to say, and then the American public mostly despising me for helping make the case for war. Not only is this guy smart enough to take advice, but he’s so awesome and transformational that maybe he can help me regain at least a little of the respect and credibility I lost because of you.
It is certainly fair to say you didn’t exactly make it hard for me to choose which horse I wanted to back. You eviscerated all the party loyalty I had when you threw my reputation under a bus to further your pet project in Iraq. So, I may have sounded my own political death knell, but it was frigging worth it, you assholes.
OK, so maybe Gen. Powell didn’t really write that. But it’s certainly fun for me to imagine him thinking it.